People Pleasing Counselling Canberra
It’s not just "being nice."
It’s a survival strategy known as the Fawn Response.
More than just “Too Generous”
You think you are just being nice, but deep down, you feel used. This isn't just kindness; it is a sophisticated safety mechanism called "Fawning."
We tend to view people-pleasing as a personality quirk, as "too generous." But in psychology, it is often a survival strategy known as the Fawn Response.
If you grew up in an environment where conflict was dangerous, or love was conditional, or you didn’t feel confident, you learned to survive by merging with the needs of others. You aren't giving because you want to; you are giving to avoid the "threat" of rejection.
It stems from fear.
Which Type Are You?
People pleasing manifests in different ways. Do you recognise yourself in these three common archetypes?
Caretaker
You derive your worth from being "needed." If you aren't fixing someone's problem, you feel invisible or useless.
Peacekeeper
You agree with everyone, even when they contradict each other. Your goal is to ensure zero friction in the room, often at the cost of your own opinion.
Chameleon
You have no solid identity. You change your hobbies, speech patterns, and values depending on who you are dating or working with.
Learning how to stop being a people pleaser starts with breaking the Silent Contract.
We often fear that setting boundaries as a people pleaser will lead to rejection, but in reality, people who are people pleasers often rely on a silent hope that others will 'read our minds' and give back.
You wait... and the resentment builds. Eventually, you explode, and they say, "Why didn't you just tell me? Why didn't you ask?"
The annoying thing is: They are right.
The Silent Contract.
The People Pleaser Cycle.
1) The Trigger
Someone asks for a favour. Your brain interprets this request as a "Threat" to the relationship. Anxiety spikes.
2) The Action
You enter people-pleasing mode. You Fawn, comply and say "Yes" instantly to neutralise the threat.
3) The Relief
The anxiety stops. Your brain tags the behaviour as safe. You reinforce the habit.
4) The Projection
"They are so selfish." You project your self-abandonment as anger onto them.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser: Setting Boundaries
You cannot "think" your way out of this. You need to interrupt the behaviour. You can use these scripts to buy yourself time.
The Stall
“I might have a couple things on, I will check my calendar and get back to you”
BEST FOR: INVITES
Why it works: It buys you the most valuable resource… time.
The Quality Assurance
"I know I wouldn't be able to give this the attention it deserves right now."
BEST FOR: BIG FAVOURS
Why it works: It frames the "No" as a quality control issue, not a rejection.
The Capacity
"I'd love to help, but I don't have the capacity right now."
BEST FOR: WORK
Why it works: It separates willingness ("I'd love to") from ability ("capacity").
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It depends.
People may engage in people-pleasing behaviours for many reasons, such as a lack of confidence or confusion about peer relationships.
However, in psychology, people-pleasing is widely accepted as a trauma response.
The "Fawn" response (part of the Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn system) is a learned behaviour from childhood where safety depended on keeping others happy.
Because it is a survival mechanism, it feels physically unsafe to stop, which is why "just saying no" feels impossible (system).
It is a learned behaviour from childhood, where safety depended on keeping others happy. Because it is a survival mechanism, it feels physically unsafe to stop, which is why "just saying no" feels impossible.
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The difference is choice vs. compulsion.
Kindness is giving because you want to; it leaves you feeling energised.
People pleasing is giving because you are afraid of what will happen if you don't; it leaves you feeling drained and resentful. -
Setting a boundary is not an attack; it is an invitation for a healthier relationship.
The scripts provided above are designed to be "Soft Boundaries" - firm but kind.
Most people pleasers believe that anything less than 100% compliance is "mean," but in reality, clear boundaries often make relationships safer and easier for both people.
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If you find that your inability to say no is affecting your career, your relationships, or your mental health (causing burnout or anxiety), therapy can be highly effective.
We work to heal the underlying "unsafe" feeling that triggers the Fawn response, so you can choose when to give and when to hold back.