A midlife crisis is usually pictured as a sudden urge to change everything somewhere in your 40s or 50s. The sports car. The affair. Quitting the job.
In reality it's often quieter than that. It's a growing sense that the life you've built doesn't quite fit anymore. Or a question that won't go away: is this it?
The Jungian analyst James Hollis describes midlife less as a crisis and more as a summons. It's a point where parts of ourselves we set aside earlier in life start asking for attention.
It isn't a diagnosis, and it doesn't happen to everyone or at a set age. But for a lot of people, somewhere in midlife, the questions get louder.
What can a midlife crisis feel like?
There is no single version.
For some people, it is regret. You start thinking about careers you did not pursue, relationships that ended, opportunities you missed or parts of yourself you left behind.
For others, it is restlessness. Life is fine, but there is a persistent sense of is this it?
You might feel more irritable, more nostalgic, or more preoccupied with ageing and time.
Some people respond by making sudden changes. Spending more, drinking more, chasing novelty, fantasising about another relationship, throwing themselves into work or wanting to start over somewhere else.
None of these things automatically mean you are having a midlife crisis.
But they can be signals that something deserves attention.
The lives we didn’t choose
One of the harder parts of midlife is becoming more aware that every life contains roads not taken.
Earlier in adulthood, possibilities can feel endless. Another career. Another city. Another relationship. Another version of yourself.
By midlife, some of those possibilities begin to narrow.
That does not mean your life is over. But there can be grief in recognising that some versions of your life probably will not happen.
Maybe your career became practical rather than meaningful.
Maybe a relationship did not turn out how you expected.
Maybe you built the life you thought you were supposed to want and discovered that part of you is still dissatisfied.
That does not necessarily mean you chose badly.
Sometimes it is simply what comes with choosing one life and letting go of others.
When coping becomes avoidance
Feeling dissatisfied is uncomfortable, so it makes sense that people try to escape it.
Work harder. Drink more. Scroll more. Buy something. Stay busy. Fantasise about a completely different life.
The useful question is not whether those behaviours are “good” or “bad”.
It is what role they are playing.
Are they moving you towards something that matters, or helping you avoid something you do not want to feel?
Sometimes the behaviour that gets labelled the “midlife crisis” is really an attempt to get rid of discomfort before understanding where it is coming from.
You do not need an easy answer
Hollis also writes:
“The second half of life isn't about looking for easy answers.”
That feels closer to what many people experience.
There may not be one simple answer to whether you should change career, rethink a relationship or completely reorder your priorities.
But there can be value in understanding why those questions have become important now.
Sometimes dissatisfaction is not something to immediately fix.
Sometimes it is information.
When might counselling help?
Counselling can be useful when you keep circling the same questions without getting anywhere.
You might feel stuck between wanting change and being afraid of what that change could cost. You may be questioning your career, relationship, identity or sense of purpose. Or you may simply know that something does not feel right without being able to explain exactly what it is.
You do not need to arrive with a diagnosis or a five-year plan.
Sometimes counselling is simply somewhere to put the questions.
If midlife has left you feeling restless, stuck or unsure about what comes next, I offer midlife crisis counselling in Canberra, with in-person sessions in Dickson and online sessions across Australia.
A free 15-minute phone consult is available if you want to see whether it feels like a good fit.
Quick answers
What is a midlife crisis? It's a period, often in your 40s or 50s, when people start questioning their identity, career, relationships or purpose. It can come with restlessness, regret or a pull towards big changes. It isn't a diagnosis.
What are the signs of a midlife crisis? Common ones include restlessness, regret about roads not taken, irritability, worrying about ageing, and sudden changes like spending more, drinking more or wanting to start over.
Is a midlife crisis the same as depression? Not necessarily, though they can overlap. If you've felt low or lost interest in things most days for two weeks or more, it's worth talking to your GP or a counsellor.
Can counselling help with a midlife crisis? It can. Counselling gives you a space to work through questions about career, relationships and identity without rushing into decisions. motive. counselling offers midlife counselling in Dickson and online, with no referral needed.
motive. counselling isn't a crisis service. If you're struggling right now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14, or 000 in an emergency.
